This is my 2 year old daughter Harper. She is a busy girl but she does NOT like to play by herself - EVER!! She does no independent play time and I have a baby coming in a few weeks and I really want her to start playing by herself some. My friends suggested I try putting her in her room (which is cram packed with toys and a play kitchen she just got for Christmas - but has barely touched ) with a baby gate up and have her stay in there for a little bit to play and just kind of build on time how long she is in there.
I thought that was a great idea but my child is a Houdini. She took the gate down and escaped to find me 3 times in about 3 minutes yesterday. She can also unlock all doors so could go through her jack and jill bathroom and escape through the nursery - instead of playing!! She wants me to just hold her all day!
What do you do to get your toddlers/preschool aged children to play independently? ALL suggestions welcomed!!!
I know for my daughter who is almost 3, she is very clingy to me because I am a (mostly) stay at home mom and I have seen her almost every day since she was born. My first time away was actually just 2 weeks ago. Giving her time away from me and with other people such as dad, grandparents, Sunday school, babysitters etc, has given her the chance to realize that she doesn't need to be under my feet 24/7. She eventually learned that I would be there when she really needed me, but she didn't need me all of the time. Plus it's a good excuse for you to go get a pedicure or do something nice for yourself. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy oldest son, who is now 15, was the same exact way. I couldn't leave the room without him following me. Finally I had to "ferberize him" so to speak. I started by sitting down and playing with him and getting him engaged in an activity. Then, I told him I had to go do something, and I would be right back. I had an egg timer and set it for one minute. I told him I would be back when the timer went off, and left the room. He cried, but I didn't return to the room until the timer went off. I just talked to him so he could hear me w/o seeing me. To keep him in the room, we used a two baby gate method (two baby gates in the doorway one on top of the other so that there were baby gates about 5 feet up the doorway. Anyway, once the minute was up, I came back, told him I was so proud of him for playing, and then I played with him for a bit longer. The next day, I did this again and increased the timer to two minutes, then three, ect. until he was playing for 20 minutes at a stretch without me. The whole process took about 3-4 weeks, but it was worth it. After we were done teaching him to play by himself, all we had to do was take him into his room, get out some toys for him, set the timer, and he would play no problem!
ReplyDeleteAs far as the door locks go, get a door handle cover for them. They sell them in the baby proofing section of most stores like Wal-Mart and Target.
I hope this helps!
My 2 1/2 year old has gone through this a bit lately too. My Madi, has also given up her nap times. I have started putting her in her room and letting her "play". I tell her that the door will stay shut and she can't leave, but she can play or read her books. The first few days, I had to keep putting her back in her room, but now she will play for 20-30 mins before coming out. I always return her to her room and tell her she has to stay until mommy says it's time to come out.
ReplyDeleteI also encourage her to play when I'm making dinner. I will set her up with a few toys where I can see her, and then direct her play until she's playing alone. I think it's an only child, first child, I don't want to be alone stage. We're expecting our 2nd in July and I'm hoping she will be much better at playing alone by then.
Good Luck!
My 17 month old can take the door safety coves off but I suggest rotating the handles on your doors so then she can not reach the lock. But I agree with play for a few minutes, get her engaged and then walk away. It may take a couple of weeks to get her use to it but it will help you when the new baby comes along.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter will be 2 next month, and honestly, I don't think there is anything you can do to entice them to be more independant. I think it depends completely on their personality and age. My daughter would play in her play room for an hour at a time. And did not want us playing with her... she was VERY independant. As of the last month or two, however, she will only play where we are. She doesn't play by herself at home very well at all anymore. But at daycare.... she won't have anything to do with the other kids! She plays by herself there! Go figure.
ReplyDeleteI make it a game. My dad just bought Kay a kitchen for Christmas. I'll say "Mommy's hungry, will you go make me something?" or "I hear your baby crying, I think she needs a bottle" kind of direct her play, but make it sound as though I'm still playing with her. It works great for my clingy girl :)
ReplyDeleteWe got this First Years baby gate and my almost 3yr old has never gotten it down...
ReplyDeletehttp://tinyurl.com/4pznthg
It's sturdy, stylish, and has a door that swings open. Plus now that he's in a big boy bed, we wanted it outside his door so he wouldn't roam when he woke up...
Also - maybe set up a little portable DVD player in her room with something she likes just to distract her long enough to get used to staying in there. My guess is once she got bored with a movie she'd start playing with something else, and then get used to her room!
Just say no...& mean it. She will cry & whine but if you busy yourself & do dishes or work & ignore it, she will get bored eventually & go find something to do. It may take some time for her to adapt & realize you mean business, especially since your habit is to give in & hold her. decide ok-I need 30 minutes to accomplish this task so I am going to take 30 minutes where I speak to her but do not physically hold her or play with her. Practice this every day & eventually she will realize when u say I have work--this is playtime for you. She will know u mean it & will find something to entertain herself. I think the bigger issue is that she knows younwill give in eventually & she will get her way. You have to break that pattern (which isnt easy or done in one day). I think all these other ideas are good to, but the bottom line is she needs to know when u say something--u mean it!! Then be sure to spend ascertain amount of tome each day teaching her how to play with her kitchen & playing with her so she gets the best of both worlds & u can actually accomplish things during the day--like feed the new baby. If u start now--by the time the baby comes she woll be used to entertaining herself.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of getting her engaged in something that she enjoys doing, playing with her for a minute or two, then leave her to play alone. For example, have her with you in the kitchen, playing at her little table or with something on the floor (or even at the dining table if it's close enough) while you're just a few steps away cooking. You'll be close enough to see what she's doing and converse with her, so she'll feel like you're interacting with her even though you're not right there beside her.
ReplyDeleteI know with my experience as a babysitter, two different families I watch for regularly, set up "quiet times" or "play times" and it just became an issue that if they tried to "escape", etc. it would become a disciplinary issue. They would use baby gates too so the child knew it wasn't like they were in their room for being in trouble, but because Mommy/Me needed "quiet time" too. And normally the Mother would go into her room or another room and get cleaning done and rest too! They had this set in place as early as 2 yrs old too. It took a couple of weeks before the girls really "got it", but once they knew it wasn't because they were in trouble but because "Mommy needed it" and they knew they would be disciplined if they didn't stay, they eventually stopped trying. The Mother's opinion was that even at 2, her daughter was old enough to understand simple things, so she didn't feel like it was an unrealistic expectation. The other mom who had the same rule, started out with the kids playing in site of where she was (living room, etc.) but same thing... if they tried to escape they would be disciplined and soon enough, they understood too....
ReplyDeleteSo maybe you could try to teach her that she needs to play in her room because you need a break, and then begin to set in discipline when she escapes? It will take a couple of weeks, but she should eventually be able to "get it"
And I agree with Anon too... She has to know that when you say you have something to do, etc. you mean it! I'm sure as a Momma (ESPECIALLY considering your story... the wait, her trouble when she was first born, etc.) it's hard not to pick her up and hold her all day, every day!! BUT, it will make a world's difference if at 2 years old she learns that there are times when Momma will hug/hold/kiss/snuggle... but sometimes, a Momma's gotta get something done! So this is a good time to start teaching her about that!! And it's important for you to get a minute during the day too, so you don't feel too overwhelmed and get exhausted! And as you mention her stubbornness, this is a great time to work with that too... as we know that is both a strength & a weakness.... so you can work now at her attitude/response to having to take some time by herself... And obviously, not all day long... But 30/45 min or so ... she'll adapt and be fine and YOU will be glad for a minute to sit!!
ReplyDeleteOne thing I learned when my daughter was little is that toddlers are like parking meters. They can only play independently for small amounts of time at first. I would read my daughter a story, and then say, "Okay, Mommy has some things to do now, but I'll be back in a few minutes to read you another story. Here are some books to look at while I'm gone." Then go do what you need to do. Come back in 5-10 minutes. It's like you've just put a quarter in a parking meter, buying yourself a little time.
ReplyDeleteOne of the biggiest thing with toddlers is that they often don't know how to entertain themselves, so this meathod works well for teaching them. Start by playing in a toy kitchen, and then say, "I'm going to go fold some laundry now. I'll be back in a few minutes. Will you cook me some food? I'll be really hungry when I get back!"
Make sure you don't stay away too long at first, just gradually increase the time you are away. Eventually you'll get to a point where just pausing by their door while playing and making a comment about how nicely they're playing will buy you some time.
Really though, just enjoy toddlerhood. It goes by so fast!
My daughter and I stayed in a shelter for a while, and we were sleeping at different places every week, so I pretty much was her only stability. After we were able to get into own place, she would never leave my side. Until...we had my niece over. She is a couple years older and enjoyed the toys (play kitchen and dress up stuff) that my daughter had because they were different than her own. She esentially helped my daughter realize that it was fun in there w/o mommy and it was the best help ever!!! So, maybe a couple play dates with older friends could be helpful.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I was thinking that if you started her on something while you were in there (like an art project or "cooking" something in her play kitchen), and took quick breaks from her while you went to check on dinner or return a phone call (or just walk out of the room into the hall for a few seconds/minute at a time for starters), maybe that could help ease her a little. Over some time, you could lengthen the time away. Maybe even hollering in to her a couple times saying you'll be there in a minute - Mommy is just going potty (or something like that), it will give her reassurance that you are still around without being directly by her side. Good luck Kelly!!!
Also, my daughter just turned 3, so just hold on and I think it will get easier for you in just a little time. Plus, I think it will naturally occur more after Hollis arrives because you will be too busy to cater to it. It's the benefit AND hard part about being a SAHM.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally in the same predicament! I have an almost 2 year old that wants nothing to do with her toys unless I'm right there with her. It's fun, but sometimes I need alone time.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I've done is pull off about 20 stickers from a sticker pad and hang them on the edge of the table where she can pull them off herself. Then I'll sit her at her little table and let her go to town. It doesn't take 30 minutes, but I'll take what I can get!
I've also set her up on the bathroom counter with a paint brush and let her paint it with bubbly water. That has kept her entertained for a while. I've also just filled the sink up with water and let her splash and play. It's a mess, but it allows me to leave and get some stuff done.
So I guess I don't have a master plan as to how to get her to play in her room alone, but these are a couple of ideas that have worked for me to get me a few mommy minutes.
Trust me, I feel ya, though. My daughter has a huge toy box, books, puzzles, etc...and it's just no fun unless mom is right there with her!
Honestly, I would recommend getting a taller gate. Silly, but that really does help us. My daughter is a serious Houdini as well, and in the morning she was unlocking the gate like it was her job at around 2 years old. My husband said that she would literally walk out of her room, unlock the gate, and then come and get into bed with me without me evening realizing it. So, we got a taller gate, and as a very tall 3 year old, she still can not get the gate open. Also, another thing we did, not that I advocate a tv babysitting your child, but... every so often we would let her take a portable DVD player into her room and watch a special dvd of her own. Hope that helps! ;)
ReplyDeleteMaybe try to find a book that is about developing imaginative play in a child or some websites to help with ideas. If she had a job to do or something pretend that would be "helping" you so to speak that would help. At least when she's in her room she'll have some idea of what to do rather than just sitting there wondering where you are. My child would totally knock down a baby gate hundreds of times too!
ReplyDeleteI've found out (in my years as a mom and a toddler teacher) that there are some moms who are so much fun that their kids simply don't want to play without them! It's not that these kids can't play by themselves, or that the activities aren't enticing enough -- it's just that they are fully aware that it is much more fun when mom is playing too.
ReplyDeleteHere is what I have seen works best: Schedule a time each day, at the same time each day, when Harper has to play by herself for 5 minutes. Let her know ahead of time ("Harper, after you finish up your lunch, Mommy needs to do some work. Mommy's work is doing the dishes, and Harper's work is to [whatever]. When Mommy and Harper are working, there is no talking! Mommy needs to work all by herself, and Harper needs to work all by herself." Then, after lunch, or whenever you have decided the time will be, begin "work" time. Remind her about the rules of work time. Set out some enticing toys near you. Announce that work time has begun! And then: IGNORE HER FOR FIVE MINUTES. Crying, clinging to you, as long as it is not dangerous, IGNORE IT! Go about your work, and as hard as it is inside not to acknowledge her tantrum, DON'T!
After five minutes, hugs, cheers, "Hooray Harper! You and Mommy both did such good work!"
I have a very active and strong willed daughter, and I tried all of the gentle approaches before this one when she was 2, and each was a fantastic failure. We had four REALLY BAD "work" times until something clicked and she just started to go along with it. You just have to hang in there. Then, once something clicks, you can gradually extend the length and number of "work" times as her tolerance allows.
A few important things: When there is change at home (like Mom having a baby) 2-year-olds tend to get clingier and more dramatic. Some 2-year-olds experience the birth of a sibling as a rejection from Mom. For both of these reasons, it is really important to start "work" time before the baby comes.
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteIt's quite ironic that you, and your extended family shower your daughter with gifts and yet she is not interested in them. I think one thing parents do these days that does not encourage independent AND creative learning is the purchasing of so many toys. Perhaps we want for our children what we did not have? Another thing is the television. Why do parents allow their children even before the age of 3 years old to watch t.v.??!! There is no creativity in this activity and no room for independent playing. I would lean towards the comment on the 'ferberizing' technique. There is no way you can expect your child to be 'gated' in her own room and to force her in a sense to play by herself. She needs to learn how to play by herself and having a television and tons of toys does not help. This needs to be taken slowly and unfortunately it is happening a few weeks before a new sibling is to arrive. Being firm with your daughter as another commenter suggested is key. She is smart and she is controlling you! I do believe each child also has their own personality and this can greatly contribute to having difficulty playing independently. Best to you as you are about to have a new baby!
For my kids it worked well if I started the activity with them and then said something like "Mommy has to go get the laundry out of the dryer" or "clean the bathroom sink" and then come back. Once they realize you are coming back they become more secure and then the next thing you know your are gone 10 minutes without hearing a peep. I also think it is key to figure out what your kids "bent" is. Do they like to color, buy those crayons that can write on windows, it seems amazing to them that you would let them do that. Do they like water, try aqua sand or polly pocket/my little pony toys that have water. Do they like cooking, have them make you a meal in their play kitchen and bring it to you. Hopefully Harper will learn to love some independent play. All kids are different and will adjust in their own time but the good news is that they are teachable.
ReplyDeleteWith my 2 yr old, we do 'room time', where I put the baby gate up and she stays in her room and can play with any of the toys in there. We started slowly; setting the timer for 10 minutes, then adding time on as she tolerated it. She cried through the entire time the first week or two, but now she goes to her room and plays happily for 30-45 minutes. She does when the baby goes down for a nap in the morning, so I get a little break, too! It's super fun to listen to her play and entertain herself.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had my second child my daughter was just shy of being 2. What saved me was the Storyreader. (put a book in the storyreader and it reads it to them!) I would only take it out while I nursed the baby so it would occupy her and it was great! Until I got one she would not leave me alone! Best thing ever!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe try putting Harper in her crib to read some books/play with toys. We put our 2 year old in his crib and he happily plays. If that doesn't work, may I suggest you baby proof the inside of her bedroom door or buy a better gate :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with much of what the previous commenters said: a higher gate perhaps (personally, I would do it in the main living area close to you, not her room), and some time alone with a limited amount of toys-- for example a play kitchen and kitchen toys. I hope that doesn't sound mean. I just find that when my kids (ages 3 and 1) have lots of toys at their disposal, they are LESS creative and independent. They move aimlessly from one thing to another and don't focus. Eventually the gate won't be necessary. Kids playing independently is a beautiful thing! And mine are starting to play together which is absolutely glorious!! :)
ReplyDeleteI disagree with some of your previous commenters though-- I do not think this a security issue for Harper. She seems like a VERY secure and happy little girl! Kids are just prone to selfishness, its their nature She wants a playmate and its gotta be YOU! Stand firm and take control. :) Best of luck!
I agree with Rebecca's post. I have read recently on another blog about having room time. You have to absolutely get it started now, before the baby comes. Trying the same time each day and slowing increasing the time and not giving into her whining (if that happens). The use of a baby gate to make her stay in there the alotted time is a great idea. I would put some Christian music for kids on in her room and rotate the toys. Have some set out for the first week and rotate to a new set the next week to keep her interested. I noticed that with my son he had all these toys and never played with them, when I rotated them in and out of his room every week or two it kept his interested in them (it was like he got new toys) even though he really didn't.
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ReplyDeleteWow. I'm really shocked by the rudeness of those who are "anonymous." It's amazing how easy it is to be mean when you are hiding your identity. Kelly, don't let them make you think you are a bad mom who is too indulgent. To all the "anonymous" posters, they need to be careful about the sticks they choose to measure others by--everything is relative. I think it's really unfortunate that some good advice got lost in the advice of the people who were rude and critical. I recently read a book called "Making the Terrible Two's Terrific" and it challenged a lot of the things I thought I knew about. One was the problem of having too many toys. It had a very strong argument (and some very interesting examples) of how too many toys can hurt a child's sense of play and exploration, and by giving a child fewer toys in their play areas, they will end up improving their play skills and also make them better about tantrums and other behavior issues. I have an almost-two year old (who has way too many toys) and I have been having good results with her by following some ideas in the book. It's worth reading! Although I know you are so busy and about to be busier.
ReplyDeleteYes, Kelly, I am sorry you have had to suffer these criticisms from anonymous posters, too. I know that you love Harper and you want to raise her to love God. I will pray that you will trust in God (as I know you are a believer) to show you how best to "train [your] child in the way [s]he should go, and when [s]he is old [s]he will not turn from it", which will include methods of loving discipline. And that He will give you the strength to solve your current problem, using lots of good advice above to help! It is very hard isn't it- and I do not have a toddler, yet!
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ReplyDeleteTry having her play on a blanket in the same room as you or near you. Give her a few toys, but tell her she must stay on the blanket. Start with 3 minutes & then work your way up each day. Also, give her a treat if she stays on the blanket for the whole time. After a while you can move her to her room. Start again at small time increments & work your way up. Lastly, with the next little one start the blanket time at 15 months or so & by the time they're a toddler room time will be routine. I did this with my twins & son- works great. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAww, people are mean. Yes, sometimes children can be spoiled.... but it will not effect her later in life that she has so many clothes or a very extravagant nursery (which I happen to love by the way!). As someone said, children don't care about material things. So if that is the case then it only stands to reason that she also won't care if she has the best of everything. I love all the clothes you have for Harper, and if that is your thing then don't let anyone put you down.
ReplyDeleteMy Mum is a very strong believer in starting off an activity and then sneaking off lol she would make us home-made play dough say in the morning. And then we would have lunch. And then the long awaited play dough would be given to us and we would sit at the kitchen table and play. It was easier that there was 2 of us of course. I just know your girls will play great together in 2 years time. In the meantime I hope you can get Harper to play by herself. Are you going to get her a new baby when your new baby comes home from the hospital? I think that would be a good idea. When you have to change or feed the baby then she can change and feed her new baby too. And put her to bed etc.
Also, she may actually be of some use to you when Hollis gets here! You can ask her to fetch things for you, paci, nappy, cloth, bib etc and it keeps her occupied and out from under your feet also!
What about putting her in a play pen that's in the same room as you, but she can't come over to you for a short time to let you feed the baby? Also, I think it's a good idea like someone said to rotate the toys so she doesn't get bored. Or to keep some special toys for when you really need some peace, for whatever reason.
Good luck! And above all I hope you enjoy it : )
Some wonderful advice from some people. Glad to see you are not reacting negatively but continuing on with your life! Although it may seem the rude comments were connected to anonymous people it is easy to post comments without having set up an account or anything with blogger. Therefore I too am posting 'anonymously.' By taking a positive stand with what you believe in your parenting skills your daughters will surely flourish in life with your confidence. Best to you!
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ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteI struggled with the EXACT same thing as I was getting ready to have my second child and my first child (a VERY active & strong willed daughter) would not let me breathe for a minute! So I took some advice from some friends & the BabyWise book series & tried it out. Here's what I did ...
I put Isabelle on a blanket & put out 3-4 toys for her to play with (she was 18 mos at this point). I sat in the room with her but did not play with her. I instructed her not to get off the blanket until I told her to. I set an alarm for 5 minutes. She cried the entire 5 minutes the first day & never played with one toy. The next day she cried for 3, played for 2. By the 3rd day, she cried for 1 played for 4. When she could play for three days in a row without crying for 5 minutes, I moved it up to 10. And continued to increase it 5 min every 3 or 4 days until she was playing for 30 minutes by herself. And, yes, I was still in the room with her ... sitting on the couch reading a book or writing cards or working on the computer.
Then I started to slip out of the room for 5 minutes here & there & told her, "Izzy, Mommy's got to go do something but I'll be right back." After a week of doing this, I finally was able to leave her by herself for 30 minutes. We did this 2x a day until she was 2 years & a few months. Then we switched it to "room time" & now she plays for an hour or so in her room by herself.
I know that seems drastic but it's what worked for me. We live in Africa so we didn't have access to baby gates. Our mud house was tiny so I couldn't put her in a room without her seeing me walk by (that's why it was better that I just sat with her those first couple of weeks until she felt comfortable by herself).
I do agree that when she plays by herself you should limit the toys ... & not because you have spoiled her! Limit them so that it's easier for her to clean up her mess (add that to the routine, too) & so that she doesn't have too much stimuli. There is still plenty time in the day for her to play with all her big toys in her room! And eventually she'll get used to playing by herself & you can move her to her room (with or without baby gate)! : )
Hope this helps!! Just stick with it, make it a priority & be consistent ... that's what finally worked for me!
mum I will gladly "play" with her, make her feel sooooooooo good
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